Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Girls should come with a carfax report
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
