Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
