she looked like the before picture.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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