I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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