I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
