I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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