TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I wish i was in the wii world.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Did I show you my penis last night?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Someone signed my nipple.
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