He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
