if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
