it hurts more in the daytime
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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