I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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