Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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