You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
