i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
