I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
