dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
