Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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