Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
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