if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
wat bout pragnant strippers??
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
