she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
