Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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