I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
