I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
