why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
