the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
