i would punch a child for taco bell
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
