Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
