sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
