dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
