i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
