well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
