Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
