life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
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