If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
