Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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