We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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