Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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