I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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