When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
