I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Randomize
