i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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