You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
