I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
