I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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