he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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