I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
