Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
