Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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