This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
