Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
